Hey, look. It’s another fic! (See all of them here.)
One of my original ideas for a game storyline was significantly darker than I felt was appropriate, and as I kept writing, I kept steering the game away from it.
Here’s that ending, in a rough textual form. It’s worth noting this fic is spoilery but also non-canon.
Again, this spoils part of the game despite being non-canon. Do not continue if you haven’t played the game!
Also additional warnings for abuse and suicide.
Friday November 24, 2006
“That… that was amazing, Chris.” He kisses you, gently, holding you close to him in post-conjugal bliss.
You can feel yourself drifting off to a pleasant sleep when a knock at the door makes him jump, and he glances around the room quickly, as if afraid that he’s been caught doing something wrong.
“Dude. Are you in there?”
Somehow, the sound of Adam’s voice doesn’t seem to calm him down at all, and he grabs your clothing, tossing it at you before quickly dressing, himself.
He pauses at the door, turning back to you and seemingly sighing when you haven’t made an effort to dress, before opening the door a sliver and poking his head through. “Hey. Yeah, sorry.”
“Just wanted to see if you were up for dinner. Also, uh, is Chris over here, by any chance?”
“I… yeah. dinner sounds good.” He pauses, and you can see how tense he is even through his shirt. “And yeah, Chris is here.”
“Okay, great. Do you want to…”
“Give us a second, chico.”
Carlos shuts the door in Adam’s face and turns back to you, shaking his head. “Sorry. I just… sorry. Dinner?”
“It’s just Adam, Carlos.” Your voice seems to startle him, and he picks up your clothes, still laying on the bed where they landed, and hands them to you.
“I know. I just… let’s get some dinner.”
He quickly disappears out the door, leaving you to dress accompanied only by your thoughts.
Carlos seems to relax over dinner – pizza, as he insists when you finally find him and Adam standing outside the frat house – and holds your hand under the table over dinner.
He walks you back to your room afterward, and your frustration from earlier forces its way out.
“Are you ashamed of me?”
Carlos and Adam both stop. Adam coughs and feigns interest in a nearby bush, while Carlos looks at you with a hurt expression.“No! Why… why would you think that?”
“I’m gonna… run ahead, dude. I think I need to, uh… throw laundry in.”
Adam nods at you and disappears, leaving you along with Carlos, who looks like he wants to be anywhere but here at the moment.
“You don’t hold my hand in public. You seem terrified that people at the frat are going to find out about us. Hell, you even seem to freak out about me when it’s Adam, and he’s practically the reason we’re together at all.”
Carlos’s eyes dart around, seemingly paranoid that someone’s going to overhear your conversation, despite the empty campus. “Chris. I… I can’t do this right now.”
“Because you’re ashamed of me.”
“No! I just… I’m just… terrified.”
“Of people finding out.”
“Y…yes. I just… I just can’t, Chris.”
“It was terrifying for me, too. But it feels so much better, afterward, Carlos. I promise. Once it’s no longer a secret you have to keep inside, you feel so much better about it.”
“I… I don’t know.”
“Carlos. It’s college, so no one is going to care, anyway. And if you don’t start coming out to people that are supportive, how are you going to tell your parents.”
He sighs. “We… we’ve been over this. That’s… not… something I can do.”
“Carlos. They’re your parents. They love you.”
“They won’t, if I…”
“No. Don’t think like that. It’ll be okay, Carlos. I’m here for you.”
“That… that’s nice, at least.” He shakes his head. “I… have to go. I’ll… I’ll find you tomorrow.”
You watch his retreating back, somehow feeling like you should follow him, but letting your disappointment in him carry you back to your room, instead.
Monday December 4, 2006
“Good to see you over here again, Chris.”
Carlos nods and stares intently into his plate of mashed potatoes. “Hi, Steve.”
“You thinking of pledging here? I know it’s after our usual rush, but Carlos could always use more littles.”
“No. Not exactly.” You look over at Carlos, who seems to be doing everything he can to avoid your gaze.
Steve looks at him, seemingly concerned. “Carlos. You okay?”
“Huh? Yeah. I’m… I’m fine. Why?”
“You just seem really distracted, man.”
“I… just…” He looks at you, and you can see the terror in his eyes. You smile at him in a way you hope is reassuring and he squeezes his eyes shut. “Chris… Chris and I are…”
He trails off, and you give him a chance to continue. Steve coughs awkwardly, and you eventually feel a need to finish the sentence for him. “We’re dating.”
You can see Carlos’s shoulders shake as he buries his face in his hands. Steve just nods.
“O-kay. That… um. I guess… that’s…”
“Hey, sorry I’m late.” Adam walks up to your table, his smile quickly fading as he takes in the scene in front of him. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt, uh… something.”
“It’s fine. I was just catching up with Carlos and Chris, here.” Steve stands, seemingly thinks for a second, and then slaps Carlos on the back, who jumps. “And, uh, congratulations. I guess.”
Then he’s gone, and Adam sits next to Carlos, cautiously placing a hand on his back. “Dude. Did you just…”
Carlos shudders and Adam rubs his back gently.
“It feels better, right?”
Adam looks at you with an expression you can’t read, and Carlos’s only response is an almost imperceptible nod.
Friday December 8, 2006
“Dude. We have to talk.”
You turn your chair toward Adam’s. “What’s up?”
“I, uh. Okay, so I can’t exactly understand your situation, and, uh, Carlos’s situation, and all that. And I’m sure it really, really sucks to have to worry about… coming out. But, dude. Do you think that maybe you’re pushing him a little… much?”
You shrug, and think back to your own coming out experience. What happened only a few months ago seems to feel like a lifetime ago, now. “Maybe. But it’s so much… better, to be out. And sometimes all someone needs is that little push. Kind of like how you helped me, with my parents.”
Adam bites his lip. “I’m… glad that worked out well for you. But dude, that was something you wanted. I’m not sure Carlos is really… ready, yet.”
“But I want to help him to be.”
“And that’s a good thing. But maybe that… maybe part of that is letting him handle that decision, himself. And pacing. Or whatever.”
“Sure. But you seem to be really… I don’t know. This seems to matter to you a lot. Which I guess is your prerogative, as his boyfriend or whatever, but I just… worry about him.”
Carlos picks that moment to walk in the door, carrying a bouquet of roses. “Hey, Chris.” He looks at Adam, his smile briefly trembling. “Hey, chico.”
Adam nods at him. “Hey, dude. Those are nice.”
“I just wanted to get Chris something.” He shrugs.
“Are you, uh… feeling better about the whole frat thing?”
“I… yeah. Yeah! It feels, uh… it feels better.” His smile trembles again, and you’re pretty sure he’s lying. You take his hand, in some attempt at comforting him, and he doesn’t jerk it away like usual. “Dinner?”
“Sure. Were you thinking the house? Or…”
You squeeze his hand. “I like the dinner there.”
Adam looks over at Carlos, who just nods. “That… that’s fine.”
Wednesday January 10, 2007
Diocusin: I miss you.
CarlosCarlos123: i miss you too
Diocusin: But we get to see each other in 4 days!
CarlosCarlos123: Yeah 🙂
Diocusin: Are you going to tell your parents?
Diocusin: Are you there?
CarlosCarlos123: I mean I’m here
CarlosCarlos123: I don’t know if I can
Diocusin: I’m here for you.
Diocusin: But it’ll be a huge relief once they know
CarlosCarlos123: I don’t know
CarlosCarlos123: Chris, I really think they won’t react well to this
Diocusin: They’re your parents, Carlos. They love you.
CarlosCarlos123: This means a lot to you, doesn’t it?
Diocusin: I just want to help you.
CarlosCarlos123: I know
CarlosCarlos123: I’ll try
CarlosCarlos123: To tell them
CarlosCarlos123: Have to go though
CarlosCarlos123: Jose is dragging me out for lunch
Diocusin: Have a good lunch
Friday January 12, 2007
CarlosCarlos123: I’m freaking out
Diocusin: It’s okay. I’m here. What’s wrong?
CarlosCarlos123: I can’t do this
CarlosCarlos123: What if they’re really not okay with it?
Diocusin: Then you’ll figure something out.
Diocusin: You’re strong. You’ll be okay.
CarlosCarlos123: I’ll tell them tomorrow
Diocusin: Do you need me to stay up with you tonight?
CarlosCarlos123: No, go to sleep
Diocusin: I hope you sleep well too.
Saturday January 13, 2007
CarlosCarlos123: I’m still freaking out, but okay
CarlosCarlos123: I can do this
CarlosCarlos123 has signed off
Sunday January 14, 2007
You walk into your room, after a long plane ride, to find Adam pacing. He jerks his head up at you when you enter, looking worried but also upset.
“What the fuck did you do?!”
His outburst takes you by surprise, and you stare at him as you shrug your backpack off and let it land on the floor. “What?”
“I get this email from Carlos, last night, freaking out but not saying why, but I can probably make some sort of guess…”
“He told me he was going to tell his parents about us.”
“…and that would have been it. So I wrote back, but didn’t hear back from him until I got back here today, and it’s a sentence that cuts off.”
He grabs his laptop off his desk and thrusts it at you. On the screen, you can make out a single line of text in the whiteness: didnt take it well chico what am i going to do they aren’t letting
“Maybe his flight got delayed.”
Adam looks at you like you’ve grown a second head. “Dude. Are you serious? You’re not the least bit worried that maybe his concerns were… legitimate?”
“Even if it didn’t go well, what can they do? It’s not like they can change his sexual orientation.”
“Dude. Look, just because things went well for you doesn’t mean they’ll go well for everyone. You should have trusted him when he said this was a mistake.”
“He never said it was a mistake.”
“Not in those words, but if you gave half a shit about him for one second you’d see that he…”
“He was my boyfriend, Adam. You don’t think I gave a shit about him? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t h…”
“Nuh uh. No. You don’t get to waltz in here like that and act like you know him and what’s best for him. I love him, dude. I know him. I know him. He’s like the brother I never had. And right now, I’m freaking out that something went…”
The phone rings, startling both of you. Adam stares at it before seemingly coming to his senses and picking it up.
You unpack your things, trying to listen in to the conversation as you do, but unable to make out words from the other end.
“Hi, yes. This is Adam. I… oh thank god. How is Car…”
He stops, and you suddenly get a bad feeling in the pit on your stomach.
“No. He… he can’t be.”
The voice on the other end sounds angry now, while Adam just seems to stare off into space. He shakes his head before throwing the phone against the wall, where it shatters into pieces, and collapsing into his bed.
You don’t need to hear the words to know that Carlos is gone.
Writer’s note: As some further background, the idea is that Carlos’ parents didn’t take the news well, and forbade him to return to the university, figuring that they needed to remove him from the obviously bad influences there. Carlos, already being in a bad state of mind, didn’t take that well, and felt like he basically had lost everything that mattered in his life.
The moral is that you shouldn’t force people out of the closet until they’re ready, and especially not if doing so would be at all potentially unsafe for them. There’s no shame in remaining closeted until you’re independent and able to support yourself..