Connor Rhodes has always known that he's bisexual. Honestly, he figured it out pretty early, when his friends started talking about girls and he'd asked about guys and they'd looked at him like he was crazy. But other than a rebellious phase in his teens, he hadn't kissed -- much less dated -- a guy. It'd been easier to stick with women.
So it's exciting -- and not unwelcome -- when he sits down at the bar, orders his usual scotch, and locks eyes with a gorgeous redheaded man sitting at the other end.
He isn't expecting anything more from it, even though he doesn't usually make a habit of going to bars, and therefore hasn't had many experiences locking eyes with people at the bar. But something about this guy seems different, and he keeps glancing over at him.
The man seems to be here by himself, and catches him looking, grinning at him after the fourth time. When Connor looks again, he's gone, and instead he's startled by a voice just behind him.
"Come here often?"
It's the man, of course, standing with his glass, staring at him expectantly.
Normally he'd answer the question and make a polite excuse to leave. Normally he wouldn't be interested in a random stranger at a seedy bar in the Bronx. But when he looks up at the man -- a grin on his face and his eyes twinkling -- something inside him won't let him.
"That's your pickup line?" Connor says, eyebrow raised, taking a sip of his scotch.
The man shrugs, his smile widening. "Who says I'm trying to pick you up? Maybe I'm just being polite."
Connor smiles, despite himself. "First time. You?"
"Same," the man says, gesturing at the empty seat next to him. "Can I...?"
"Sure," Connor says, trying not to stare as the man takes the seat.
"I'm Will," the man says, once he's settled, holding his hand out awkwardly between them for a handshake. "Sorry, that would've probably been easier before I was seated."
"Connor," Connor says, shaking his hand. "And probably, which I guess means you don't meet people in bars very often either."
Will shakes his head. "Nah. Bars aren't usually my thing, actually. But some coworkers wanted to meet up tonight, so I dragged myself all the way out here only for everyone else to cancel."
"Maybe they're trying to tell you something," Connor says, immediately regretting the words.
What the hell is wrong with me? Am I trying to push this guy away?
Fortunately, Will doesn't seem offended, and laughs at the comment. "Probably. I'm the newbie, and the outsider anyway. Everyone else at my practice grew up somewhere in or around the city. I'm from Chicago, so it's all new to me."
"Oh, hey. Me, too," Connor says, and immediately regrets those words, too.
Way to open conversation that could lead to having to talk about your family.
Will's eyes seem to light up. "Oh yeah? Canaryville. You?"
"Uh. Not... that part," Connor says, even though he's well aware his reluctance to answer makes it seem like he's lying. "But I'm new to the city, too. Just finished up some time in Riyadh, doing, uh... medical stuff for oil workers."
"No way!" Will grins. "What kind of medical stuff?"
"Trauma surgery," Connor says. This conversation is safer. "Afterward, I figured I'd come to the city and see what I could find here."
Will whistles. "Expensive city to move to without a job."
Connor shrugs. "The Saudis paid well." He hopes that answer satisfies Will.
It seems to, because Will just laughs. "Fair enough! Why New York, then? Why not Chicago?"
Connor shrugs. "Bigger city. Something new."
It's easy to be anonymous here, he doesn't say.
"I... oh, I didn't say, did I? I'm also a doctor," Will says.
"Yeah?" That surprises Connor, for some reason. The man didn't exactly give 'doctor' vibes, even though he supposes his personality would give him a great bedside manner. "What specialty?"
"I also did trauma for a bit, uh... unofficially though, in Sudan, with Doctors Without Borders. Right now I'm in plastics."
"Oh." Connor isn't sure how he feels about that, but reminds himself that looking down on others is what his father would do, and forces himself to shake the feeling off.
Will shrugs, obviously sensing Connor's reaction. "It's... complicated. My baby brother was struggling for a bit, and I had my loans to deal with, so I figured plastics in New York was a good way to make a lot of money fast."
"Should've gone to LA," Connor says, automatically, before kicking himself.
Will laughs. "You know? That's what Jay said... my brother said. But I didn't really like the feel of that city. New York felt more Chicago-like. In a good way."
"The weather's sure a closer match," Connor says.
"That it is," Will agrees. "And I figured the skills from having to be extra precise would be useful. Anyway, it's not really what I want to be doing. I became a doctor to help people, and save lives, and plastics is about as far from that as you can get, although you could make an argument that reconstructive surgery gives people their lives back, but now I'm getting into an argument I'm sure you don't want to get into. I just mean that... right now my family's more important."
"By 'family', you mean your brother?"
Will nods. "Yeah." He holds up his left hand. "I'm not married or anything, if that's what you're asking."
Is it what I was asking? Connor wonders, even though he's well aware he's already hooked on this man.
They're silent for a bit, and Connor sips his scotch, before making a decision.
"Want to get out of here?"
Will looks at him, surprised, then grins. "Dr. Connor. Are you..."
"Just... for a walk or something," Connor says, blushing deeply. He had never done this before. He hopes he hadn't been misreading Will's signals.
"Well, then," Will says, draining the rest of his glass, setting his glass back down on the bartop, and grinning at Connor. "A walk sounds nice. Close my tab, please!"
"Well, here's my place," Will says. "Thank you for the lovely walk and conversation."
"Same," Connor says, honestly disappointed that the night was already ending. "It was great to meet you, Dr. Will."
Will laughs. "Halstead. William Halstead." He pauses for a moment, and seems to think. "Can I ask you something, Dr. Connor?"
"Rhodes," Connor says, and immediately wishes he hadn't. "And yeah."
"Was this just a walk, tonight?" Will asks, looking into Connor's eyes. There's a fire there that excites him.
But it also terrifies him.
"Would you like it not to be?" Connor asks, heart pounding in his chest.
Will moves closer, and Connor can feel Will's breath on his nose. It feels like there's electricity between them. "I'd like it not to be," Will says, so close now that Connor can count his eyelashes.
"Give me your phone," Connor says, and the moment's gone, to his disappointment. But also to his relief. He hadn't kissed a guy in decades. He had never wanted to kiss anyone like he wanted to kiss Will, right now.
Will pauses for a moment, clearly not expecting those words. Then he laughs, pulls his phone out of his pocket, and hands it to Connor. "Sure."
Connor adds his number to Will's contacts and hands the phone back to him. "Call me, Dr. Halstead. And good night."
Will's eyes twinkle as he slips his phone back into his pocket. "Good night, Dr. Halstead."
It takes Connor a second, but then he's laughing, and Will's grinning, and before he knows what's happening, Will's kissing him, deep and urgent and it's everything he'd wanted it to be. He grabs Will's head, hands tangling in his hair, and pulls him closer. Will makes a pleasant noise, hands trailing down Connor's back, then up under his coat, and...
Connor breaks, stepping away. It was too much. A kiss had never felt like that before, and the intensity terrified him.
Will, for his part, doesn't seem offended, instead looking concerned for Connor. "Sorry if I... misread that. I just thought..."
"You didn't misread," Connor says, trying to catch his breath. "That was amazing. I just..." He shrugs, not knowing how to complete the sentence.
Will grins at him. "I'll call you tomorrow, then."
Connor nods. "Tomorrow."
They stand there, staring at each other, for a while, until Connor forces himself to turn and walk toward the nearest subway station.
God, he had it bad.
"So, Rhodes, huh?"
"Yeah?" Connor isn't sure he likes where the question is going.
"Wouldn'tve have thought anything of it, except you said you were from Chicago, so... any relation to the department store?"
Connor should have been prepared for this, but in the moment, his brain freezes. The only thing he can do is go with the truth. "Yeah. Cornelius Rhodes is my father."
Will whistles, but doesn't say anything else, and Connor feels his heart fall at it.
Fuck, am I really falling for this guy already? I've known him less than a day.
"So I'm dating Chicago royalty, huh?" Will says, after a bit, grinning.
"We're dating?" Connor asks, surprised. It's also easier than actually answering the question.
Will stops, a forkful of greens halfway to his mouth, and stares at Connor for a second as his smile fades. "Is this not a date?"
"It is," Connor says, and Will looks relieved as he resumes chewing. "Sorry. I've just... it's been a bit since I dated, and I, uh... haven't dated a guy, before."
Connor blushes at the admission. He expects Will to laugh, but instead Will nods, swallows his bite, and gently pats Connor's hand across the table.
"I kind of figured, after your reaction last night," Will says, a gentle smile on his face. "And sorry for... for making you uncomfortable, I guess."
"You're not making me uncomfortable," Connor says, immediately, even though it takes him a moment to realize it's the truth. "I've never, uh... clicked with someone like this, I guess."
"Me neither," Will says. "And if I'm being honest? It's kinda fucking terrifying me."
Connor lets out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "God. Yeah. I spent... so much of yesterday terrified by what I was feeling. Especially after, uh... we kissed."
"After I kissed you," Will says, looking a little uncomfortable now. "Which I'm still sorry about. I should've asked first. But you were standing there, laughing, looking like you..."
"I didn't mind," Connor says. "Really. Actually, I... really wanted to kiss you, but I was too much of a coward to do anything about it. Thanks for being brave for the both of us."
Will smiles at that. "Okay. Then... let me say that whatever's happening here," he says, gesturing between the two of them, "we'll take at whatever speed you're comfortable. This is a date, but it doesn't have to mean we're dating. We can just be friends and then have a second date and..."
"I think this is our second date," Connor says, reaching for Will's hand and squeezing it. "Our walk felt like a date."
Will chuckles. "It did, didn't it? But the point stands. We don't have to be dating if you're not ready for that."
Connor swallows, trying to ignore how good Will's touch felt. "No. I... want that. If that's what you want."
Will nods. "I want that."
"I want that too," Connor says, even though he'd already said it, and feeling like a weight on his chest has been lifted.
"And it feels like you're not comfortable talking about your family, so we can avoid that topic," Will says, and that helps too.
Connor nods. "Just... my mom's dead, my dad's a self-absorbed egotistical asshole, and I haven't spoken to my sister since I left for med school. Can we leave it at that, for now?"
"Of course," Will says. "And thanks for sharing. Do you want to hear about my family, or would that be too..."
"That's fine," Connor says, feeling like another weight has been lifted, and wondering how many dumbbells had been piled up before tonight. "And thank you."
Will just nods and smiles at him. "Okay, uh... let me start with my brother, Jay."
"How do you feel about 'boyfriend'?" Will says as his greeting, when he Connor meets him at the ice rink.
"I got the job," Connor says, instead of his planned 'hello', because he has no idea how to answer the question.
"Oh, hey! I knew you would!" Will pulls him into a hug, kissing his cheek, and Connor closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling of being held. "You were worried for nothing!"
"I guess so," Connor says, smiling as Will pulls back a little to stare him in the eyes, before gently kissing him on the lips. Connor blushes, and he knows it's not just the cold.
"That okay?" Will looks concerned again, as he quickly lets Connor go.
"That's very okay," Connor reassures. "I can't believe you convinced me to go ice skating."
"Afraid you're going to suck at it?" Will says, grinning. "Worried I'm going to show you up?"
"Because it's been like a decade," Connor says. "Guadalajara and Riyadh? Not much ice in either place."
"Oh, I'm sure the Saudis had rinks," Will says, as they walk toward the ticket counter. "They probably built an open air one right in the middle of a desert, just because they could."
"Wouldn't surprise me," Connor says, thankful there's no line for admission, and that the rink still seems fairly quiet. "Uh, two please, plus rentals."
"I got it," Will says, handing the cashier his credit card before Connor can react.
"I'm beginning to think that you're not going to let me pay for anything," Connor says, before kicking himself. "I mean... thank you."
He does feel bad though that Will, so far, has insisted on paying for everything on their three formal dates, and now their fourth. He starts to wonder if Will felt like he had to prove something to Connor.
"You're welcome," Will says, interrupting his thoughts. "But also... I have a job. You don't." Will shrugs. "Seems only fair."
"Then we're going out on my dime once I get my first paycheck," Connor says, grabbing the tickets the cashier hands him.
"No promises," Will says, grinning.
Connor opens his mouth to object, before thinking better of it. The last thing he wanted was to start an argument on their fifth date. Instead, he takes Will's hand when offered, and walks toward the skate pickup counter with him.
He's excited about ice skating, now.
They head to a restaurant after skating: A cozy Chinese place that Connor's sure he never would've found on his own.
"My boyfriend's a local tour guide," Connor says, trying to be funny, and blushing once he realizes what he's said. "I mean..."
Will just grins at him as he takes a seat across from him. "So is that a 'yes' to boyfriend?"
Connor nods. "It just... slipped out, which I guess means it felt right. As long as that's... okay with you."
"Definitely okay with me," Will says, handing him a menu. "I already know what I want, but take your time with the menu. The chow fun is good here, or..."
"Order for us," Connor says, throwing the menu down on the table. "Anything. It's better to split Chinese food anyway, right? Order lots of things and share them?"
"Living dangerously," Will says, his eyes twinkling, but he does, and it isn't until Connor's sipping fragrant hot tea from a cracked white teacup that he's worked up the courage to give Will his gift.
"So I... got you something," Connor says. "And don't you dare say no. Boyfriends get each other gifts, right? You got me flowers on our third date."
"I... suppose," Will says, still looking uncomfortable.
Connor grabs the box from his coat and hands it to Will. Will stares at it for a second, looking up at Connor for a moment, before opening it and staring at the necklace inside.
"You were telling me about your tattoo last time," Connor says. "To honor your grandfather. And you were wondering if you should've gotten a Celtic cross, instead, to be more specific. I don't know if you wear jewelry, but I just thought..."
"I don't wear jewelry," Will starts, and Connor's heart falls at it. "Because I've never had the right piece." Will traces his fingers over the small circular cross, at the end of a chain, his eyes starting to tear up. "This is perfect."
"Okay," Connor says, relieved that it had gone over well, and watching as Will carefully removes it from the box and slips it over his head. It hangs lower than Connor had expected, although he supposes Will wasn't that much taller than him, so the extra length had probably been unnecessary. "I'm... glad you like it?"
"I'm never taking this off," Will says, rubbing the pendant quickly before grabbing Connor's hand. "Thank you."
Connor's pretty sure nothing will ever wipe the smile off his face now. "You're welcome. Boyfriend."
Will's laugh is everything.
Connor had been nervous about sex. It wasn't that he didn't want to have sex with Will, of course -- he'd started having wet dreams about the man like he was a damn teenager again -- but he was worried about his relative lack of experience. He knew what to do with a woman. He had no idea where to start with a man.
But he tells himself that the only way to get what he wants is to be brave. And Will makes him want to be brave.
"Want to come in?" he asks, as they stand in front of the entrance to his building, after another date, another dinner, and another walk.
"For coffee?" Will asks, smiling at him, and Connor wants to kiss the man for his consideration and patience, but also strangle him for making this more difficult for him.
"No," Connor says, swallowing hard, and feeling like his chest is going to explode.
"Ah," Will says, smiling gently and kissing Connor. "Yes, I'd like to come in."
Kissing was easy. Kissing was safe. He understood kissing. But kissing just makes him want more. And when he thinks about what that entails, anxiety takes over.
What if I can't? What if we're not physically compatible? What if this makes Will leave?
Will nibbles on his collarbone as his hand dips under the elastic of Connor's boxers, and Connor freezes.
Will, for his part, notices, immediately pulling back. "Hey. Connor. Listen to me. We really don't have to do anything if you're not..."
"Can I blow you?" Connor asks, before he can second guess anything else. It's definitely not that he doesn't want that, but more that he wants more. And he's worried about asking for more.
But Will's breath hitches, and Will nods breathlessly, and Connor definitely wants to cause more of that.
They lie together in his bed afterward, both shirted but naked from the waist down. Somehow, that helps.
Still, he isn't used to being held like this, his head on Will's chest and Will's arms wrapped tightly around him. It's new, but it's only frightening because of how right it feels.
"Was that okay?" Will asks, pressing gentle kisses into Connor's hair, and that feels right too.
"Yeah," Connor says, suddenly overcome with emotion, and squeezing his eyes shut. Blowjobs had no right being that good. That had felt right too. "Was I..."
"You were perfect," Will reassures.
"I guess I'm definitely bisexual," Connor says, mostly for his own benefit.
Will chuckles, kissing his hair again. "I'm not, for the record. In case that matters for some reason."
Connor nods, feeling like he should acknowledge the statement, but really wanting to address the everything else. He takes a deep breath, and decides to be brave. Will always makes him want to be brave. He moves so he can look into Will's eyes. Will just smiles at him.
"I want you to fuck me," Connor says, before he can overthink it again. "Next time. I just... keep overthinking things, and worrying about it. So I just need you to... help push me along."
Will frowns. "Connor. Like I said, we don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. There's no timeline here. Don't feel like you need to... push yourself, for my sake."
Connor shakes his head. "No. I want it. God I want it. I'm just... scared."
Will stares at him for a moment, then slowly nods. "Okay. But if..."
"Next time, Will. Please."
Will stares at him for another moment, then he smiles. "Okay. Next time."
It feels like a promise.
And it's a promise Connor can't wait for Will to keep.
His relationship with Will is unlike any he'd ever had before, and not just because Will is his first boyfriend. Will listens to him, Will is caring, Will is affectionate. Will makes him not want to be alone, anymore. Things feel good in a way that they never had before, with anyone else. Connor keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was no way that Will was this perfect for him.
He never would've expected their first fight would be over money, of all things.
He'd started his job, and Will had taken him out to celebrate, and covered the bill -- "You can't pay for your own celebration dinner," Will had said.
But then Will keeps paying for things, despite Connor's best attempts. It was honestly a nice change from some of his past experiences, where his dates and partners would've expected Connor to pick up the check every time because of his family's wealth. But it still rubs him the wrong way.
So the next time they're out for dinner, he pays the check secretly, on the way to the bathroom.
"Ready to go?" he asks, after Will finishes the last of his drink.
Will nods, looking around for the waiter. "Yeah, let me just..."
"I took care of the check," Connor says, standing and grabbing his coat.
Will stops and stares at him, and the look sends a chill down Connor's spine. "You... paid already?"
Connor nods, trying to be casual. "Yeah. It felt like it was my turn to get something."
Will doesn't say anything else, but the tension is palpable as he grabs his coat and pulls it on.
They walk together toward the subway station in unusual silence. Will stops at the top of the steps, instead of heading down them like Connor expects, and Connor stuffs his hands into his pockets, feeling like he needs to say something.
"Do you..." he starts.
"Do you think I can't afford to pay for both of us?" Will asks, his voice even but his jaw clenched, and the words throw Connor for a loop.
That definitely wasn't what he had expected.
"Will..." Connor starts.
Will shakes his head. "I'm not a fucking gold digger, Connor," Will spits.
Connor honestly isn't sure how to respond to that. "That thought had never even cr..." he starts.
"I'm going home," Will says, shoving Connor aside with more force than necessary, and starting down the steps. "I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe."
Then Will's gone, and Connor's left staring after him, wondering what the hell just happened.
Will doesn't call the next day, and Connor fights the urge to send Will an apology present. After what had happened, he imagines it would only make things worse.
He spends the entire work day after that worrying, wondering if things were over, and honestly more than a little confused about how things had gone so badly so quickly.
His phone rings as he's walking from the subway station to his apartment, and he's filled with a combination of relief and trepidation when he sees that it's Will.
He hesitates only for a second before answering. "Hello?"
"Hey," Will says, his voice even. "Are you home?"
"On the way," Connor says. "Had an embolism that needed a little extra attention today. Why?"
"Can I come over?"
"Of course," Connor says, rounding the corner and seeing Will standing outside the door to his building. "Although it looks like you're already here."
Will looks around, notices him, and hangs up. Connor swallows the sudden knot in his throat, and walks the remaining half block.
"I fucked up," is the first thing Will says. "I was going to get you apology flowers, but I thought that might make things worse, so..." he shrugs.
"Can we... talk about it?" Connor says, as he unlocks the front door. He wants to reassure Will that everything's okay -- that he's forgiven Will for whatever Will thinks he has to apologize for -- but he tells himself that's not the right answer. He needs to understand what had actually happened.
"Yeah," Will says, stuffing his hands into his pockets, and following Connor into the building. "Of course."
They settle in Connor's small kitchen, and Connor puts on a pot of coffee before leaning against the wall and staring at the floor. He doesn't know where to start, and Will doesn't seem to, either.
"I called Jay," Will says, eventually. "He told me I was being an idiot and that I needed to get over myself before I lost you."
"What happened?" Connor says, instead of acknowledging Will's words. He doesn't want to think about losing Will, right now. "I mean, obviously I know what happened. But why... did it upset you so much?"
Will sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I... need to take care of people," he says. "But I didn't always used to do a good job of that, and it... well, I told you my mom died of cancer. I was in Sudan at the time, and thought... she can hang on for another couple weeks. She understands. These people need me. Jay was deployed at the time, but he made it back. She died before I could make it. She died without me at her bedside."
"I'm sorry," Connor says, feeling for the man, but not really sure how the story relates.
"It'll be my biggest regret for the rest of my life," Will says, rubbing the tears from his eyes. "And it was a wakeup call. Take care of those who are important to me, first. And you... you're important to me, Connor."
"You're important to me too," Connor says, still not following.
"You probably don't even remember this, but on our second date, when I paid for dinner, you made a comment. 'Nice to be taken care of for once.'"
"Fuck," Connor says, remembering the comment now. "Yeah. I... it was supposed to be a joke."
Will nods. "I figured. But you were also clearly uncomfortable with your... heritage. And I just got too in my head. Like, I didn't want you to think I wanted to date you because of your family, or because of their wealth. I opened that date with the stupid 'does your family own Dolan Rhodes' question and you ended with a comment indicating people took advantage of you for it. It's been worrying me ever since."
"Will," Connor says, understanding now. "You don't have to pay for everything to prove that you're with me for me."
Will shakes his head. "It's not just that. Well, okay, maybe it's mostly that. But I also... I'm not normally good at this, Connor. At dating. With you, it feels effortless, but I'm always worried I'm going to fuck it up. Like I guess I did. But it was something I could do, you know? It felt like a way I could keep being a good boyfriend for you, no matter how much I'd screw up elsewhere. And then... this is not your fault at all, but when you paid for that meal, it felt like you were throwing all of that back in my face. Like I wasn't doing enough. Like I couldn't do enough. Especially because you just did it, without asking first."
"That was not my intent," Connor says, grabbing the now-full coffee pot and pouring two cups. Will gratefully takes a full cup from him.
"I know," Will says, half a smile on his face now. "I kept telling myself that. But I just felt... ashamed. Like I was doing something wrong by accepting your money. That it was the first step down a slippery slope of 'I'm going to marry Connor Rhodes for money'."
"You're going to marry Connor Rhodes?" Connor says, staring at Will over the rim of his mug, a smile on his lips now.
"I didn't..." Will starts, looking a combination of apologetic and horrified. "I mean..."
"Sorry," Connor interrupts, feeling bad that the joke hadn't landed. "Can I propose then that we each pay for ourselves, at least for a bit? I understand everything you're saying, and I don't want you to be uncomfortable with me because of something like money."
Will nods. "Yeah. Is that... okay?"
"Is that okay with you?" Connor asks. "You take care of me in so many ways, Will. Including ways that I never knew I needed to be taken care of. I really, really don't need money to be one of those."
"Okay," Will says, even though he's still looking uncomfortable. "I... don't like it, but I think that's my hangup to get over. Jay said it wasn't reasonable for me to expect to pay for everything, so your proposal sounds more than fair."
Jay's right, Connor doesn't say, because it wouldn't help anything.
"Can I hold you?" Connor asks, instead. He'd missed Will more than he'd realized, and having the man standing a few feet away, just out of reach, was strangely infuriating.
"Yeah," Will says, breathing a sigh of relief as Connor sets his mug down and presses the two of them together. Will's arms wrap around his back, his head rests against Will's chest, and he feels... content. He feels right.
He doesn't ever want to ever lose this again.
"Dinner tonight?" he asks.
"Yeah," Will says. "And... I'm sorry. For screwing up. For... exploding on you for something stupid, and for something that wasn't your fault."
"You can explode on me," Connor says, wondering if it's too much when Will stills against him.
But then Will's mug is on the counter, and lips are on Connor's, and his hands tug at Connor's shirt, and yeah.
That's what Connor wanted.