"So that's why you were so frustrated today."
Patrick's lips twitch upward involuntarily, but he doesn't allow himself to take his eyes off the road and glance at his boyfriend -- no, fiancé.
"I was never frustrated with you," he says, thinking back to how much he'd thought that he'd ruined everything, and how much David had stepped in and made everything okay, again. About how David always made everything okay, and about how much he wanted that for the rest of his life.
"You were a little."
He does laugh at that one. "Okay, maybe a little."
"Maybe a lot," David says, but Patrick can tell it's David's teasing tone, that inflects up warmly at the end, so he isn't worried.
"You made everything okay, David," he says instead, thinking back again to David tenderly disinfecting his foot, and carrying him up the damn mountain. "You made everything more than okay. You made me the happiest, and luckiest, man alive."
David hums at this, all joy and pleasantness, and he allows himself a quick glance. David is staring at his rings again, a ridiculously happy smile stretched from ear to ear, and Patrick can't help but smile with it.
They're quiet for a bit, and when David speaks again, it's rather less pleasant. "What was it like, your first time?"
He knows his face falls, and as much as he'd been expecting this question, he had been hoping it wouldn't come up until much later. Preferably after celebratory sex, maybe while he had a cup of tea to focus on rather than making sure he didn't drive the car into a ditch.
"What, I was so bad that you'd forgotten?" he tries, before immediately kicking himself for deflecting.
This was supposed to be a serious conversation, he chastises himself. You knew David would be a little insecure about this.
"It was nothing like this," he tries instead, before realizing how much the words fit. He can tell David is looking at him, and he knows that's not going to be enough for him.
"Sorry. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"No, we do. I need you to know how much I realize now that she was wrong for me, and that I was wrong for her." David hums again, this time only tinged with happiness. But it's a good sign. "I just don't know where to start."
"Maybe start with why you proposed? I'm assuming you proposed. To her."
Patrick laughs. "Yeah. I did. And that's a good place to start."
--------
"So I'm going to ask her to marry me." He pulls the box out of his pocket and opens it, the diamond catching the light. He isn't sure quite why that suddenly makes him nervous.
It's just butterflies.
"Oh, Patrick!" His mom has jumped to her feet, beaming, pulling him into a hug. "She's going to be so surprised!"
"Maybe not all that surprised," his dad says, rising a little more slowly before affectionately slapping a hand on his back. "It's been a while."
"Honey!"
He closes his eyes, sinking into his mom's embrace. He's not sure why her happiness is making him suddenly nauseous.
It must be the cookies.
She squeezes him more tightly before pulling away, and looking at the ring again, tears in her eyes. "It's so beautiful. She's going to love it."
"You're sure about this, son?" his dad asks, and he immediately tenses, despite having expected this question.
"Honey!" his mom admonishes, but it doesn't deter him. Very little deters his father.
"I have to ask, Patrick. Because the two of you have broken up so many times, and keep getting back together, that..."
"It's the next step," he says, falling back to his rehearsed answer. "We keep getting back together because we're meant to be together, and I want to make sure she knows that."
He knows that it's not Rachel that needs convincing of that point, but he won't say that out loud.
"Do you love her, son?"
Patrick nods. This answer, at least, is easy. "I do. I love her."
His dad stares at him for a moment, then nods and smiles again, seemingly satisfied. "Well, then, congratulations, son!"
He can smile again, seeing his dad's approving look. "Thanks dad. Mom. I'm..." he searches for the right word. "...nervous."
"Oh, sweetheart. Of course she'll say yes. You don't have to worry about that part."
He forces himself to nod, knowing somewhere inside that that's not the part he's worried about.
"How are you going to do it?"
"You know the lake where we had our first date?"
"The one you didn't realize was a date?"
--------
"Okay. That doesn't really answer the why."
David's interruption breaks Patrick out of his thoughts, and he thinks for a bit. "I think I'm trying to say that it felt like what I was expected to do, you know? It's what everyone wanted me to do, including my parents."
And so much of what I did back then was based on what others expected of me.
"But it wasn't what you wanted to do?" This question has David's nervous inflection.
"I felt like I wanted to convince myself that it could work. At that point, I'd thought that she deserved that much, you know? For always waiting for me, and taking me back. I was always the one to end things, and she was always the one waiting there for me afterward, for the next try. This felt like a way to... repay her, for that patience."
"So it wasn't."
"It wasn't." He allows himself to take his eyes off the road for longer than he should, so that David knows how much he means it. "Maybe I wasn't fully aware of that at the time, but it wasn't."
David seems satisfied by this answer, smiling again. "Okay. So how did you ask her?"
--------
He focuses on the way her hand feels in his. On the comfortable warmth of her body heat next to him on what ended up being a cooler than usual September afternoon.
He's glad for the excuse to wear the scarf she'd knitted him, even though that was maybe still overkill for this weather. He just wants her to know how much he appreciates her.
"Do you remember our first date out here?" He tries to ignore the way his stomach is knotting up. He's rehearsed this in his head enough times that it shouldn't be hard.
She laughs and squeezes his hand. "I remember that you didn't think it was a date."
He laughs, on cue. Good. That was the response he'd thought was the most likely.
"To be fair, when you asked me to come to the lake and feed the geese with you, I had no reason to expect anything more."
"I asked you to have a picnic with me, Patrick. Feeding the geese was secondary." Good. Still on script.
"Well, I'm glad you did." He pauses for the predetermined amount of time, then a little longer, trying to swallow down the unpleasant feeling in his gut.
"I can't..." she starts.
"I'm glad..." he begins. They both shut up, and he laughs nervously. This wasn't expected. He'd paused for too long. "You first."
She smiles, looking at him affectionately. "I can't believe that was 12 years ago."
Okay, he can work with this. "It feels like it was yesterday." He cringes. "Well, not yesterday. It feels like it's been a while, but..."
"I'm glad you keep coming back to me, Patrick."
He seizes the opportunity to get back on script. "I'm glad, too. I'm glad I met you, Rachel. I'm glad you're my girlfriend. And I..."
He stops walking and releases her hand. She looks at him, unsure of what's happening until he drops to a knee and she gasps.
"I hope that you'll agree to be more than my girlfriend, and make me the happiest man alive." He pulls out the ring box and tries to focus on her eyes as he opens it. She's crying now. "Rachel, will you marry me?"
"Yes!"
He stands and pulls her into a hug, and as they kiss, he can't help but wonder why the nervousness is still there.
She said yes. You can stop worrying now.
He ignores the fact that he doesn't feel like the happiest man alive, right now. That'll come with time. They'll work things out, he thinks.
They always do.
--------
David's quiet, and Patrick doesn't dare look over and see what he's thinking.
"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital and see your dad?" he tries, instead, wondering if the change in topic would help him process.
"No. Stevie said everything was fine, and they're probably home by now, anyway."
Patrick can't do this anymore. He glances in his rearview mirror before pulling to the side of the road and looking over at David, who seems to be focusing on the air vent.
"David. Look at me." He does, and Patrick feels better when his lips twitch into a smile. "I need you to know how different this is, for me."
"I do."
"I really need you to know. I proposed to Rachel because I thought I owed her something, and because I thought it would help plaster over all of the issues we had. My parents had such a strong marriage, and I guess I just thought that was because they were married, rather than because of how they were before they got married. I proposed because it's what everyone expected of me. To be with her. To keep being with her."
"It's okay, Patrick. I understand." David looks away again, but Patrick takes his hand in his and runs his fingers over the rings, glinting in the sunlight. Even just that fills Patrick's chest with warmth and joy. He wishes he could explain that feeling to David, and contrast it with the dread he felt every time he saw the diamond he'd put on Rachel's finger.
"Nothing with you has ever been 'expected', David, " he tries, instead. "And I mean that since you walked into Ray's that day, you've changed my life for the better in a thousand big ways and a million small ones. I asked you to marry me because I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone, and because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really need you to know that."
David's staring at the air vent again, but he's smiling now. It's that shy, lopsided smile that he has when he's trying not to smile but Patrick has managed to worm his way in anyway.
Patrick loves that smile.
"Only a thousand?"
Patrick laughs at that, and David is grinning now, and Patrick pulls him in for a kiss.
"A thousand and one, now." He runs his fingers over the rings again, loving the way they feel under his fingers. But maybe that's just because of what they symbolize. "Or a thousand and four."
"Nope. If you wanted to count them four times, you would've needed to propose four times." David's squinting in that way he does when he's trying to be serious but can't.
Patrick tries to squeeze his face into some semblance of seriousness too, but it's also impossible at the moment with how much he's smiling. "David, will you marry me?"
"That's still only two."
Patrick kisses him again.